With a smile you walked away. Singing la di da di da I'll be okay.

Morals of today:
-I worry way too damn much.
-This is a result of my over analyzing problem.
+I need to stop and smell the roses once in a while.
-I pretend to not care what others think, but deep down I really do.
+Costa Rica is just a day away.
-I am too clingy.
-Being sick is a bitch.
+No one reads this, so its okay for me to sound like a complete idiot.
+I have a new camera. So when I am in Costa Rica I can fill this with pictures.
-Pictures that I will most likely only be looking at.
-Which might be okay, because I don't like creepers.
-I need a getaway.
+So thank goodness for South American paradise.

-I need to come to the realization that
+Everything will be okay.

Do you want to get married, or run away?

I am lost.
I wish you would come find me.
To meet me where I am.
And take me to another place.

I had a rush today.

A more adventurous side of me came out today. It occurred to me as I was sitting in the passenger seat of a car, cruising down the freeway. Dancing, and music blasted as loud as it could go. It may be simple and uneventful to many, but I associated this with freedom. How many things I have missed out on in life because I was too scared to let go of my inhibitions. But enough is enough. I need to let go, and just be. To be done just coasting through, and actually start living for a change.

Every day, I am going to do one thing to bring me out of my comfort zone. (Side note: those reading this must be aware that I am not a boring humdrum person. I have participated in many things in my life that would be considered "nuts" but the common person. This is an attempt to surpass mediocrity, not to completely shake up my way of life, which is already plenty complicated enough. Anyways...) I will start small. Everyone avoids little things in their life that make them uncomfortable for one reason or another. Many of these things are completely irrational. However, if I replace some of these irrationalities with sensibility, it all unravels. I want to shake up my sense of reality. Question it. Eventually, I will do things that I have wanted to do, but have never worked up the courage for. Everything from sky diving to confronting those who have caused me pain. The possibilities are endless.

So, just one week until I jet off to Costa Rica. I think it is exactly what I need to clear my head. New surroundings, new perspectives, new ideas.

I really hope great things are coming my way.
I need it.

My teenage years.

My intention was to make this a reminiscing entry. I was looking at my old livejournal, where I have four years of my adolescence logged and stored. It came to my mind that I could summarize what was written in there. Sort of as a reflection. But as I actually read it, I was over dramatic, and more depressed than I remember. I think of those horror stories are over and done with. It is so important not to forget, but it is okay to move on. In light of this, let us surpass the dramatic teenage angst.

My mind is racing. Unfortunately, we are back to that whole issue of fear again. But instead of dwelling, I am thinking of all the good things these experiences will bring me. There are so many beautiful things to look forward to.

My baby sister is so gorgeous. Skye is just over 13 months, and she can walk finally. Just learning how to talk. Its just all those small things in life that add up. I can't believe I was blind to it for so long. But I am so glad I finally realized it. Because now, I can really start living.

A little lyrical poetry.

Sometimes, when I am sitting around listening to music, I like to jot down lyrics that describes my thoughts. It may not make a lot of sense, or flow too well, but it says how I feel better than I can.
...Because music speaks louder than words.

Put the past away
I'll have you know I am scared to death
But I'll be fine, I swear
My heart is in motion, for the rhythm inside you
If I die in my sleep
Are you still willing to be everything you promised you'd be?
Please don't tell me that I am dreaming
I'll be down on my knees screaming, take me I'm yours
I've never felt so out of control
And you know the power that you have
Don't sail away, baby
You thought I disappeared, but I was always here

I'd pay any price to say these words to you
I'll be your wish. I'll be your fantasy
I know somewhere, somehow, we'll be together
You've been far away for far too long
I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more
I can take you there
Come crash into me
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
The night will go on, my little windmill
I've never seen you shine so bright
Baby, you can have whatever you like
The wonder of it all is that you don't realize how much I love you
I breathe you, I taste you, I just can't live without you
I've been waiting for someone that can make me feel alive
Oh, it's what you do to me
You are my only one



Love me because you can
Not because you should

With a new year, comes new possibilites.

What you see is what you are, and what you are is beautiful.

I am going to live my life more in tune with this phrase, as well as other select phrases.
Overall, a lot of things are going to change around here. All of the good will stay the same, but the bad things will get better.

I have not decided if this will be a place to pour my heart out, or more of an on-the-surface understanding. I think I need a little of both in my life. I am leading towards a combination of both. But nothing that would ruin me if the wrong person were to read it. After all, nothing is really safe on the world wide web.

With a new year comes so much potential. New doors opening and old doors closing. I am not one to make New Years Resolutions. Overall, I find them to be a load of shit. If you want to make change, you can do it anytime of the year. The day on the calendar does not make a damn bit of difference. But, recent goals are to reach my goal weight. I have already lost 40, now 30 more to go. I really think I can do it.

Another more recent goal, to stop being scared of everything. Fear rules my life. There are good reasons for this. The life I have lived has led me to this. However, this is not an excuse. It is just a reality that I have to live with and deal with. Not to mention change. Life is too short to be driven by fear. Certain fear is natural. Others, not so much.

It is nice being home. But at the same time, it isn't the same. Everything has changed. This is the natural course of things. It helps, because now it is that much easier to go back to school. It has been nice being around those I love, but I always know they are just a drive away. Plus, I might find myself that much closer next year. We will just have to see how it pans out.

Side note: Watching Law and Order SVU with a younger sibling is an awkward experiences.

I might be back for more philosophical commentary later.